i like this...

reading back bring back memory of the day i love her....i guess.. still i made the right choice being with her... =)

i like the way he holds me when i realised im in the wrong.
i like it when he holds on to me while crossing the road,
or just walking, or just for the sake of holding.
i love the way he'd hold on tight to me
sometimes when walking because i can be so clumsy,
i trip over my own slippers.

i love the way his arms would go over my shoulders.
i love the way he'd put my cold hands
into his shirt just to keep me warm.
i love it when he arranges his bag nicely on his lap,
give it a tap or two to tell me that its time to sleep.

i love the way he looks at me sometimes.
i love it when i tuck my head into his chest,
just so i can smell his shirt.
i love how he actually manages to be
so patient and loving whenever i lose my temper.

im in love with the look on his face when he's deep in thought.
im intrigued when he sleeps.
i totally love it when he nuzzles the fats on my cheeks.
i love it when i get t play with his hair.
i love it when we go camping,
i just am contented being in his presence.

i dont like it when he scolds me at times
cos im stubborn and i dont wanna admit that i am
(in the wrong and am stubborn).
but i guess i love it after all.
it just shows that he cares.
i hate it when he used his hands to thiak me,
cos i never liked the idea of it.

i didnt like it at all during the time i felt insecure, that i wasnt worth his love, or his being there for me. however, he stopped me short and scolded me, just to wake me up to my senses that if i werent worth his time, he wouldnt even bother. he was so fierce then, he got me scared of him all over again.

i dont like it when he tells me things i dont wish to hear cos sometimes it hurts.
yet im glad he tells me those things,
cos i feel that he must have put alot of thought into it
before making a decision to say it.


so when i didnt think twice about flaring up at him, or sometimes juts walking by myself, leaving him behind me, i dont know. perhaps it was my excuse, saying that im learning to stand up for myself. or rather, i was spoilt by him. it takes uber alot of patience for him, just to wait for me to calm down so as to reason with me. and then wait for me again, just so i can stop crying. i love it though. i love it when he'd just wait, or try to hug me. just staying there and not walking away the way i do. i appreciate it. i really do. i guess its little things like these that actually show he really cares.

yet, what ive always felt most for him was respect.
i never showed it but to me, it takes a great deal,
especially for a boy, to put down his pride,
and put up with the nonsense that i provide.

i dont know why but yeah.
i love him. alot (:
like every bit of him.
strengths, flaws, everything.
from his head to his toes. (:
i love him.
i do, yknw, i do.

Thoughts in my mind (going to be a long post)

Christmas this year had been a busy one. I always feel that xmas is a season of spending money and wasting money since I wasn't a christian. I don't really have a reason to celebrate it.
Indeed it has been another money spending session again but definitely not a money wasting session this year. At least my money serve good purpose of making people happy. No doubt my heart ache but it is natural. Even though i'm feeling happy, my instinct nature of saving money poke my heart. =P It is time for me to do some accounting on the damage I took over the past few days of heavy fire. My ammo seems to be depleting fast! That's bad!

I got myself a present from a never-expected-someone. I always thought that it is when I buy expensive stuff my heart will pain pain. I'm wrong! When i received my present my heart ache so badly that I wonder why I got it as a present. The money could have been use to buy other stuff which is more worth it. It is really shocking to receive such expensive gift. However i'm of course thankful for it. My first expensive polo tee- ralph lauren. Now I have to be careful wearing it out. walk must be careful not sharp object that will hook on to my shirt le. haha. why can a piece of clothes be so ex. What kind of world is this. omg! bag still understandable, because of the many compartment and sewing plus thicker material. Shirt... WHY!!! haha..

I visited botanic garden on christmas eve to see what those little xmas trees are all about. I don't appreciate xmas tree very much because it is just tree with a lot of lights that's all. All the trees had the same cone shape and there's really nothing special about it. Until I found out new stuff about it. I took a closer looks at those trees, those deco they use are really unique. Especially those ball ball that we see on the trees. A lot of the trees had DIY balls~ which are really very pretty and unique. I like~ ^^ I guess it is important to pay attention to details. It is the same learning I had when I was taking Macro pictures of flowers. I use to find flowers are pretty and just.... pretty.. Until I took Macro shots of it and I found out it's beauty. It is the small details in the flowers that adds up together to make the flowers nice. I feel so happy when I'm learning new stuff everyday. Especially stuff on photography.

I was actually thinking of taking part in the SYPA (Sg young photographer award) and I had a long talk with a pro photographer which is my friend's friend. He told me how his hobby becomes a career and how his career extinguish his passion for photography. Photography use to be his hobby and he is happy with taking pictures of stuff he likes. Now he is taking pictures for people to earn money instead of pictures that he likes. He shared with me how this whole thing kills his interest. Thus he was asking me, so what do I exactly like and want when i'm taking part in this competition.

For me it is simple, for the money. haha. Of course I would hope to see if my photos are appreciated anot. When he show me pictures from famous bloggers, "amateurs" and pros. I really can see how creative and interesting the photos are. I'm able to feel what's inside the photos. The photos just managed to catch my attention and suck me in like a vacuum cleaner into the pictures. If I were to rank from 1-100 levels. I can only rank myself at level 5 and those pictures I saw at level 50 and above. this is how lousy I suddenly feel my pictures are. I had seriously a lot more to learn.

He talk to me on by chance/ accident photographers. Those that took 1000 shots to get 1 nice shot. I agreed with him, it is nothing to be proud of if that's the case. So i want to be the type of photographer to be able to constantly produce good work. There is something I'm still unable to understand, which is my style. I don't know what is style all about. I just shoot.. what kind of style are we talking about. I hope I can answer this question just by taking more pictures and understand what is my style.

I don't want to be famous, I just wish to share my pictures with my friends
I don't want to be a professional, I just want to be a carefree casual photo taker to take what I like.
I don't want to lose my passion, I just hope that I can continue finding new ways to capture images.
I just love photography, I hope I won't give up on this hobby.

Back to Christmas celebration I had at my uncle's house. It was really fun and interactive as my cousin make the effort to prepare it. However I feel a kind of xin suan sensation when I'm with my relative. My brother and sister didn't go. Only my big sis and her family plus my parents and me went. During games, my father just hide in the room to watch tv. I'm busy taking photos. My mama doesn't really seems to understand what they playing as they are speaking English most of the time. Somehow I feel that our family are apart and not a part of the big family tree. The rest of my relatives had regular meet up sessions and not my family with them. Thus it is natural the bonds among the rest between the rest are stronger than with us. It is the same for my father side. We don't seems to be close with our relatives at all.

Looking at how my cousin share cookies with my another cousin, I suddenly ask myself would I be so generous. I admit it is sometimes hard for me to share my stuff with my friends. I won't want to share with them because I know they will finish up all my food but there are some other friends who are just willing to share. For me, I will selectively choose the people I will share my stuff with. Food is one of the stuff I don't like to share with normal friends. I believe that it is the type of background you grew up in. I'm not rich and when I had the money to buy nice food, I know I will have to enjoy my food slowly and not waste any of it. By sharing I would enjoy less. I hate to share stuff in camp because when 1 comes the rest will come and take too. irritating. I guess that's the reason I hate sharing. If I'm rich, I guess I don't mind sharing.

Thus Sharing can be cultivated by coming from a rich family- CL theory.

A story to tell

I had a tent that I lend out.
because i don't want to see her i decided not to take back the tent
she insisted I should take it back, i agreed but never had a chance to meet up
the tent dragged too long till i tired of asking it back so i decided not to take back again
now my brother want to use it, i had to take it back.
she ask me to meet up with her bf to get it, i dont want cos i dont like her bf.
she says she is nt free and free again and not free and suddenly free again eventually not free and i had to meet with her bf to take no matter whatever reason i had, it wont be impt, i just haf to take it from him.
i agreed and i am going to meet someone i dont like to collect my tent back.
i message and call the guy but he never ans nor reply.
so i told her and she says she will ask him to meet up with me
i ask when she says late afternoon.
so meaning i haf to be on standby to collect back what i lend out
i never know collecting back what i lent out should be tat tough.
so what's the point of lending and end up making myself troublesome.
no one is wrong, no one is right. it is just a story to share. it is just for me to vent my anger.

moral of the story: lend out things only when you know you can easily get it back. =.=

I watched avatar and it has been talking all about connections and the bonds. I seems to be losing a connection. I hear no news from her, she stopped updating her information into my server. I guess there is poor reception between us thus i'm losing the connection we use to have. I don't know what's happening and I wish that I know how she feels. I just know it is so impossible between us. she used to stalk me but i guess she had stopped. she used to miss me i guess she don't anymore. she used to feel sad when i'm sad but now i guess she is happy without me. If i contact her, i would be at wrong. i'm waiting for her sms but she seldom sms me already because she is thinking what i am thinking too. i enjoy her accompany. now she is not there. BORING...her fav phrase for me: i'm sorry... i can't...dont be sad" my sad reply would be "ok.."

Defintiion of "ok": a 2 letter words that is feel with sadness and disappointment and the lost of motivation to say anymore things.

1st ever party...

haha...21 years old le.. first time having a party celebrating my bday... although don't have all my friends there to celebrate with me, it is nice to have a party. haha. I have been so busy doing dont know what and I dont even have time to blog it down. Now a lot of stuff I can't really remember le..

Still this year is a good year... Had almost triple the amount of presents received. COOOOLL.. All the presents I recieved is something that I had wanted. 90% of my gift is camera related. HAHA... Now I had lesser stuff to buy already. Thanks to my friends.. hehe.

food were nice but I didnt managed to eat much because I was too busy taking polaroid pictures. Shihui was so nice to make a guest book for me. The guests that came took a picture with me and wrote in my guest book to keep as memory. Really very nice to read such booklet that's specially for me. I had rice cooked by ah xiao and meefen by evelyn.. most of the stuff were prepared by her, the food is so yummy! haha.. while hui n wanrong only decided to play prank on me by getting the cannot blow out candle.. HAHA.. very fun hor.. and i got a lot of balloooooonssss to decorate the area. Since there's no theme for my party, i shall named in a balloon theme ba.. since all e deco were balloons. hahahahaha.

I guess my friends had waited for me for too long. when i arrived they didnt even know i was here already haha.. so funny.. thanks to them i got wet and chocolatey...but i think it is really wasteful to use such nice cake to play lor..=( i could have eaten it down my tummi.. but evelyn say chocolate is gd for face.. hehe..

Nevertheless I had fun for my party.. took a lot of pictures (finally is someone else taking not me) and having lots of memory stuff to keep (letters, booklet, drawing!) wow talking about the drawing, it is really nice.. looks like me! i think...haha can check out my facebook for my face~ hehe..

There's a little secret that I know and I shall keep it in my heart... write it down here to remind myself that i know of a secret that no one knows.. WAHAHAHAHAHA

Birthday at another country

Finally have time to blog on my overseas trip since I returned from Brunei. The weather is killing over there. It has the same weather like Singapore but hotter a bit and rain longer a bit more. The country is 11 times bigger than Singapore with only 300,000 to 400,000 population! From the air craft viewing down most buildings I saw were bungalows. I guess that's what happen when you have too much land and too little population. haha. The shops in the mall sold pirated stuff like it is normal and okay. haha. even the game shops sold pirated 1. When I enter into the shop, i don't even know if the nike, addidas or puma are real or fake as they mixed and sold the genuine ones with the fake ones. haha.

The good thing about the country is that there's not much pollution. It can be the little population and could be that there are just too many treeeeeeeeessss around. haha. I'm practically surrounded by jungles (except the city area) The city roads are similar to us, you could easily thought that you are still in Singapore, just that the signs are in Malays. Chinese and Indians becomes rare species. Even Chinese looks like Malays ( you only know when you hear them speak Chinese haha)

Jungle training was not bad. I actually learn a lot of stuff. I learn to recognise edible plants and carry out testing for those plants that I'm not sure if it is edible. I also learn how to make my own house using logs and veins (for tying).

I saw many things that I don't get to see in Singapore. At night I saw a sky full of stars with fireflies flying around. While at unlucky nights I saw sand flies buzzing around and those flying insects that appear near your light source when it is going to rain. Sandfly got me bitten up here and there through my No. 4 and the little flying insects added protein into my meal when I am heating up with my fire.

I caught a small injured baby animal that looks like hamster. It can't open his eyes ( i know he is a "he" because got didi) for don't know what reasons. I tried feeding him water, insects, leaves and grass but he doesn't eat. Guess what he needs is milk but i don't have. I also saw a small hole on his head and looking closely I saw small maggots crawling in and out. Damn gross. I touch it and all the maggots quickly went inside the hole (wound) to hide. That explains why the little animal keeps squeaking, so i soak the back of his head in water to drown the maggots and slowly squeeze the tiny maggots to death when it comes out of the wound. At last I finished my operation and he seems more relaxed. Rain started pouring that night, I placed him inside my chest pocket to keep him warm. He seems happy. At the last day of the training, he died. So sad... So i threw him into the tall grass. The end.

Such training is good. It really bring you to the wild and let you experience life without shelter, limited food and water supply. you shiver in the cold rain, starving and thinking how comfortable life is in Singapore. Where you have a shelter with adequate food and water. haha.it makes you realise that don't take everything for granted. I believe very soon I will forget this incident and get back to my normal life again. haha. that's so human..=)

Finally I spend my birthday overseas, luckily already out of the jungle. It is some unique birthday that I will not forget haha. Too bad didn't have any celebration yar~ haha

I never expected it!

It first happen with my mummy giving a weird phone call right at 9pm. "you coming back now right?" haha.. she doesnt ask me such question the most she will ask where are you.. what time come home... but i thought this is the new way for her to ask if i am coming home.

When I came home she told me she is helping me to celebrate my birthday in advance. haha what a pleasant surprise. She went down to buy the cake, although it is some simple cake that is not of the best grade of taste but still it tasted nice. I guess this is what it means by thoughts that count. I know she doesnt know how to buy those cakes that people get from bakerzin or whatever. she is so funny.. she ate the cake and priased her cake " hmmm this cake is good.. not bad ar" haha.. my sis told her "no one will praise ownself buy de cake nice 1 lar" hahahaha.. so funny.

Then I thought it was very nice of them le. There comes the present! wow.. very long time my mummy bought me something le.. it is like i always buy my own stuff le. suddenly she pas me this golden key necklace tat she bought for my 21st birthday. haha.. not bad lar.. my mummi getting old.. so sad.. her hair turning white.. hugs...

wow... i told my mum.. i thought surprise party are meant for youngster.. didnt know you know about surprise party too. haha. Not bad.. got effort.. i rate the success of this surprise at 10/10 haha.. at least this year there is still someone close to me that celebrated my birthday before i set off.. =)

A meaningful event!

I woke up late this morning and i blame it on my hp alarm clock. Turn up to be i'm the one turning off it. haha. happens almost 95% of the time. I totally had no memory that I press it leh.. hmm.. haha..

anyway with the help of evelyn I reached my destination (ngee ann city) in time. 6.45am in the morning, the whole guys started to set up the place for the "walk the extra mile", a charity event to raise fund for the kids with disability. I could have reached at 8.30 for the flag off since i'm not even setting up. As I'm the photographer for the day. =) hehe. Nevertheless, I went down to took pictures of them working diligently.

After setting up, they went to their respective road marshal location to station there. I guess I didn't had breakfast, felt weak even walking.. Then when we were passing the underground of ion, we saw a one and only open shop! The HOLY , it's holy because it glows when I saw it.

bread=food= no more hunger

The bread is ex but still there are cheaper ones like the normal sausage bun. I bought one for myself and 1 each for my 2 poor friends. They went up the escalator first and I meet up with them, my 2 other guy friends from my unit that is involved in the event at the burger king. I saw the burger king breakfast and can't resist the temptation so I bought my first ever burger king breakfast. The milo is cheaper than kopitiam lor! one dollar only when i purchase the burger. So total is 3.95. I ate the bread society bun and it was gooood, real good.. niceee... real niceee.. haha.. I had limited vocabulary. The key point is it is worth buying. cause.... it is... niceee.. haha.. it is soft and is not like the ordinary bun. Should give it a try. The burger from BK is nice too. PLUS there is the cheap cheap milo... niceeee..hehe...

It was really a wise choice to had my breakfast because I didn't for a walk the extra mile but jog the extra mile. haha. I ended up jogging up and down to take photos here and there. damn tiring. It was really a nice event. Everybody just walked down orchard road in the early morning just for this event. =)

After which there is stage performance from the MINDS, spastics children and others too. It is really heartwarming to see them performing. It suddenly strikes me that they are in fact more brave than a lot of the normal us. The usual us tends to criticize on other people performance but doesn't dare to perform themselves, fearing that they will be laugh at. However these kids are so daring that they don't care about how other people judge them and only wish to express themselves. They went on stage even though their singing wasn't perfect, their dancing skills wasn't good or their drum beat rhythm isn't always there. Still they tried their best and it makes me feel how bad this world has become. Competitions held just to choose the best out of the rest, giving harsh comments for those who tried even though they weren't perfect. In ruin their dream and lower their self confidence. They should try giving words of encouragement, hoping that from there they learn and improve. I guess that's why people had forgotten how to compliment and only remember how to criticize.

The art works that these kids done were also sold at the fair to raise fund. Their works are of a certain standard. nicer than what I can do. After participating in this event, I feel that I will join more of such events in the future. Singapore can be small and boring but there are always carnival around. Such carnival are fun to attend and today's event just inspired me a lot. I guess singapore is not that boring afterall. =)

I bought something from there to keep as a memory for the event. A magnet and a bookmark drawn. Something for me to remember that I had joined this event. (since i had bad memory, i need to get something to help me remember hehe)



One last thing, I think kind hearted girls are the prettiest. I shall get a girlfriend that is a volunteer. hehe.

I release something heavy...

After so long, I thought that this load will be hard to remove. Because there are just too many things that make me sad and the only thing I can do and I did was to hide away the stuff, bury it deep deep so that I wont see it anymore. Never did I know that it came back "haunting" me again. Looks like this haunting session wasn't really bad after all. In my mind I thought that things were gonna turn out ugly again. The conversation will end up like 2 hard headed eggs knocking into one another - hurting!

Her attitude changes, she is back to the original girl I know. Cute kind sweet lovely. haha. Slowly, one by one strings attaching to the heavy load were cut. Releasing the load from me. The pain seems to be gone just like that. I guess I'm someone that need to be love and not be treated mean. Mean just doesn't make me hate you more and leave you because you are mean. It just make me feel hurt and hurt makes me think of you. Thinking of you make me can't let you go. End up I have to hide you away from me so I wont think of you and feel hurt by how mean you are.

I finally say out stuff that i wanted to and have no chance to say it to you. Guess you found out stuff that you never knew that it was so too. Whatever it is, I can feel that I finally can let go le. I'm so happy... so relieved.. so relax.. so light weighted..so so so so niceeee.. hehe. Maybe soon I can bring you out to have fun again. Maybe wait till you break up lar. I'm so bad. haha.

Now I keep thinking of the nice memories of us instead of the bad ones. I stop seeing your sad crying face when I tihnk of you le. I think of the stupid childish idiotic lousy ger (WAHAHAHAHAHA!) that I knew I never make a mistake in loving. This blog is for you. Lousy girl.